Oh Yeah Owl » Filmage

2012 Will Decimate Disaster Movies Forever

ChristPuncher — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:33:10 +0000

Hey, you like to see shit blow up? Hundreds of thousand of people dying horrible tragic deaths? Bodies flying across the movie screen on fire while Tommy Lee Jones does something heroic to try and stop it? Well I know I do. But alas the disaster movie genre will soon be no more. Unlike the countless times the Empire State building has been blown up in films like “Independence Day” and “Deep Impact”, the genre of disaster movies will not be standing for next summers wave. Roland Emmerich will kill it dead. He’s the guy responsible for “The Day After Tomorrow”, “10,000 B.C.” “Godzilla” and “Independence Day”. Oh yeah, and “Stargate”, not a disaster movie, but awesome none the less.

We’ve all seen disaster movies come and go through the years. Starting in 1970’s with classics like “Airport”, “Earthquake” and “The Towering Inferno”. I love me some Charlton Heston. In the 1980’s there weren’t too many new ones though, all the ideas that Hollywood had were used up in the previous decade and the technology wasn’t good enough to really expand on the genre. Fast forward to the mid 90’s. Now enter CGI, and we get and a revival of summer blockbusters where shit blows up and Will Smith says something witty and millions of white folk laugh at his big ‘ol ears Asteroids get covered with “Armageddon” and “Deep Impact”, Alien destruction with “War of The Worlds” “Independence Day” and “The Day The Earth Stood Still”. But there will always be alien invader movies like “Signs” and “The Invasion”, so no worries there. “Volcano” and “Dante’s Peak” deal with, well volcanoes. Let us not forget “Twister”,and “The Day after Tomorrow”. We’ve even got plants attacking us in “The Happening” It seems everything is covered.

So this December the grandaddy of all blow ‘em up movies will be unleashed upon the world. 2012 will be using the well known myth that on December 21st, 2012 the end of the world will be upon us. But other theories it may include are, a pole shift, the “return” of Planet X or the Sun’s sinister counterpart Nemesis, a galactic, planetary, or other celestial alignment, global warming, global cooling, a massive solar flare, a new ice age, and so on. Sweet I hope John Cusack kicks all those reptilian humanoid asses! But anyway, complete and total destruction of the Earth. I’m talking entire cities falling into the ocean type destruction. There will be no Bruce Willis saving us from this clusterfuck. So not only will 2012 utterly annihilate the planet and every Flavor of Love watching, Facebook posting fucktard out there, but the disaster movie genre as well. What the hell kind of movie is going to top it? Basically 2012 took every disaster possible, put it in a fax machine, sent it to Roland Emmerich and said, ok go! But make sure Adam Lambert can sing a song about it so we can make a music video. I mean nothing will be able to come out after this. In era where we’re over saturated with overproduced loud music, fast moving graphics in advertising and an overall narrative overload from millions of YouTube videos and Facebook posts, we constantly need more to be entertained. Well maybe 2012 will be a good thing. After most of us got sick of Transformers after the sequel had nothing but loud noises and CGI, 2012 may finish off our senses once and for all. Maybe America will be fed up with the summer disaster blockbuster and want a drastic change like, MORE FUCKING STORY!! We’re already seeing smarter “end of the world” movies starting with “Children of Men” and more recently “District 9″ and Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road”. As much of a fan of stuff blowing up as one can be, there is a limit and I think 2012 will reach it. Well at least until they do it all over again in 3-D. Yes, I can’t wait! No, I mean damn, here we go again…

Movies On Film

ChristPuncher — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 20:28:29 +0000

Movies on film. Get it, they’re movies about the subject of film and filmmaking, and it’s also the medium on which movies are shown. And since there’s such a fine line between clever and stupid, I’ll move on from here. For people who pride themselves on being film lovers, the subject of movies about movie making just makes us wet between the legs. It’s movie nerd heaven. We think of all the potential inside jokes about actors and stabs at the industry we love to hate as well as some great fodder for drama. So here are my top 10 movies on film in no particular order.

Ed Wood (1994)
I’m starting with Ed Wood because It’s probably the best movie about bad movies. Ed Wood was the king of horrible cinema. Known primarily from Plan 9 From Outer Space, Edward D. Wood Jr. also made plenty of over stinkers. Like the semi auto biographical Glen or Glenda about the cross dressing tranny. Well, leave it to Tim Burton to make a legitimate film about such a shitty filmmaker. I think is his best film too, maybe because he works best within the confines of a script grounded in reality where his weirdo imagination can’t run too wild. Oh yeah Johnny Depp steals every scene he’s in and Martin Landau won best supporting actor for playing the ever mysterious Bella Lugosi, so that helps to. It does a great job showing the lunacy of how movies were made in the 50’s, when the title and the poster sold the movie, and script and acting took second seat. “Pull the strings!”

Mulholland Drive (2001)
Moving on to the opposite end of the spectrum, Mulholland Drive is a movie still about the absurdity of the process, but making it a nightmare. It’s the kind of film that you show people and you can judge how they watch movies. Do they view them as light entertainment, or are they intrigued by there mystery? Without giving away too much about it, Mulholland Drive is the story about an actress trying to “make it in Hollywood” told though a series of dream like scenes that range from hilarious to one the scariest scenes of all time. Complimented by a beautiful score by longtime David Lynch callaborator Angelo Badalamenti, no other film confuses and intrigues like this one. It’s the pre eminent David Lynch film, definetly a filmmaker at his peak. Sorry Dave, inland Empire was a little much. “Silencio!”

Singin’ In The Rain (1952)
Everyone knows the song, and we’ve all seen clips of Gene Kelley doing the number. And for those who haven’t, or refuse to watch musicals, It’s the song that Alex sings in Clockwork Orange while raping that chick. Good times. Besides some amazing dancing by the legendary performer Gene Kelly, the film offers a comedic depiction of Hollywood’s transition from silent films to “talkies” What makes the movie good isn’t it accurate potrayal of Hollywood though, it’s becasue I wanted to put a musical on this list. Gene Kelly is awesome, that fucker can dance.

American Movie (1999)
American Movie is a 1999 documentary about the making of an independent film. It’s the best documentary ever made about the trials and tribulations of coming up with the money and resources to make a movie yourself. It’s also immensely sad, funny, and affectionate. It centers around Mark Borchardt, a scruffy, eccentric, blue-collar, beer drinking movie-lover whose dream is to be a filmmaker. However, his life is beset with personal problems. I can’t say enough good things about this movie. Instead of kids spending thousands of dollars at film school, they should just Robert Rodriguez’s 10 minute film school and this. “It’s not about making films or in the long-run getting some money…but to create and complete.”

State and Main (2000)
For those of you who haven’t heard or seen this movie, State and Main is a 2000 comedy film, written and directed by David Mamet and starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and Alec Baldwin among others, about the on-location production in Waterford, Vermont of a film called The Old Mill. That said, David Mamet, being the incredibly talented playwright, really nailed the superficial, self obsessed world of moviemaking in light comedy fodder. From Alec Baldwin’s empty headed leading man to William H. Macy’s quick witted director, this movie hits all the stereotypes. But what makes this great is it doesn’t seem cliche. Playwrights and screenwriters usually complain bitterly about the way their work is made into movies, and Mamet puts this story line in as an inside jab. The movie seems even funnier if you’ve ever been on a set, but still has plenty of laughs otherwise. “Go you Huskies!”

Boogie Nights (1997)
P.T. Anderson, it’s been said, that he’s part of the VCR generation of filmmakers. Along with other auters like Quentin Tarintino, Anderson was raised watching tons of movies at home. I think these directors have an advantage over their predecessors because they were the first generation to saturate themselves with film. And well, Paul watched a lot of porn. When he was 18, he made the mockumentary, The Dirk Diggler Story. Later of course, became the movie we know as Boogie Nights. The movie is more about people, than movies. Taking place in the “Golden Age of Porn” it depicts the film cliche of the rising star descending into a nightmare of drug abuse. Oh yeah, it’s funny as shit too. I’m a little biased though because it’s one of my favorites. I will never get tired of John C. Reilly trying to convince people he looks like Han Solo. “Feel feel feel my heat”.

8 1/2 (1963)
Titled because it was Fedrico Fellini’s 8 1/2 film at the time. Six full features, two shorts, and a collaboration with another director. The latter three accounting for only a half each. The film revolves around an Italian director and the struggles of the creative process, both technical and personal. Hugely influential throughout the years its been on pretty much every all time best of list. People have said “8 1/2 is the best film ever made about filmmaking.” Maybe cuz It is told from the director’s point of view, and its hero, Guido is clearly intended to represent Fellini. Featuring one of the surreal moments in all of film. It begins with a nightmare of asphyxiation, when the leading man is stuck in traffic and he proceeds to float off into the sky, only to be yanked back to earth by a rope pulled by his associates, who are hectoring him to organize his plans for his next movie. In the film he claims he doesn’t know what he wants or how to get it, and while watching it shows he knows exactly what he’s doing and how to achieve it.

Sunset Boulevard (1950)
This thing starts out telling the story of the down on his luck writer, and ends up telling another one. About someone one who ends up being far worse off. Its a corrosive black comedy that puts an assault on the emptiness and vanity of the movie business. Subtle yet very savage. Why is it so easy to make fun of the very machine that makes the movie we love? We love to hear about singers and actors hitting rock bottom with drugs and ending up on celebrity rehab. It gets huge ratings. Maybe that’s why this film still resonates today. If you have the dream to make it to Tinsel Town, you might want to check this flick out because Hollywood is as hard on dreams as it was back in the 1950s. “I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Demill”

Adaptation (2002)
This film is like the depressed movie geeks scripture. Charlie Kaufman put all his fears and axieties about writing and relationships on screen. It puts everything out there and puts together one of the best screenplays of all time. It’s a movie about the making of a movie about writing a screenplay about adapting a book to film. But man it’ depressing. But it has a somewhat uplifting ending. Anyway who struggles completing writing or filmmaking projects and gets easily frustrated should look to Charlie Kaufman for inspiration. And much like Federico Fellini’s classic 1963 film, ‘8½,’ from which Kaufman almost certainly drew inspiration, ‘Adaptation’ tells the story of its own creation. Oh yeah it’s also one of Ridiculous Cage’s few good performances. “I can’t believe I got shot. Isn’t that fucked up?”

Here’s a couple of other I know I missed. Check ‘em out if you haven’t seen.
Barton Fink
For Your Consideation
The Kid Stays In The Picture
Sullivan’s Travels
RKO 281
Bowfinger
Tropic Thunder
Film Geek
Get Shorty
Hollywoodland
Inland Empire
Last Action Hero
The Player
Swimming With Sharks

And The Oscar Goes To… Mega Shark!!!

ChristPuncher — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 23:08:52 +0000

I wanna know how come more movies aren’t made like this? Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus is a straight to video release made for the Sci-Fi channel. You know all those awful creature movies with the horrendous CGI that are on every night after re-runs of Stargate SG-1? This is the best of the genre. Finally someone said, “hey, we know our movies suck, so lets stop trying to be serious and just make it fucking ridiculous? And put reality TV sensation Lorenzo Lamas in it?” Best part, when the tentacle reaches out of the ocean and brings down the jet fighter. Oh and yes, that shark did leap 30,000 feet in the air to bring down that commercial jetliner. Kudos good sirs…

RoboCop Vs. Predator: An Essay

ChristPuncher — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 08:38:59 +0000

In the summer of 1987 two huge blockbusters entered our known universe and blew us all away. Both films were among the top grossing in 1987, with RoboCop pulling in 53 million dollars and Predator 59 million. Both films directed by men who are masters of their craft. John McTeirnan, better know for Die Hard and The Hunt For Red October, and Paul Verhoeven who is responsible for other sci-fi epics like Total Recall and Starship Troopers. But who is the victor? Not which is the better movie, but who would win, RoboCop or Predator, in an all out battle to the death. We’ve all seen Alien vs. Predator, and even the Sega Genesis game RoboCop vs. Terminator. But these are all robots and aliens fighting there own kind. I say cyborg vs. extra-terrestrial. Disclaimer: This essay does not take into account sequels or video games, for they change characters attributes so the audience doesnt get bored. Example predator will not have a ship as seen in the sequel. You don’t see the ship in the first one so it’s not an advantage. Also this does not take anyone’s opinion of which movie is better and or more “bad-ass”.

First off what is the location of the battle? You will have to pick two locations, so there wont be any dispute over home field advantage. First location, obviously the jungle, and second an abandoned warehouse, where a cocaine distribution ring is going on. But does Predator really have an advantage with the jungle fighting RoboCop? Predator has two ways of seeing things, his infrared with the mask on and some kind of one color rendering where all he sees is things in red. RoboCop also has two forms of vision. A computer enhanced full color sight system, and infrared that seems to be more powerful that normal, where as it can see through walls. This is seen when RoboCop sees the terrorist holding the mayor hostage through the wall and punches through it to disarm him. Predators infrared is a little less advanced. He has trouble seeing Dutch in the end of the film when he’s simply just covered in mud. So how will he see RoboCop? Hes not warm living tissue. The only tissue he has in underneath his cold steel outer frame. The mouth does show, but is it just a skin outer coating, that doesn’t produce heat? One would think it is. When RoboCop takes off his mask near the end of the film you see that it almost looks like the face has been stretched over a steel skull. If Predator couldn’t even see Dutch when he was covered in mud, Predator would not be able to see him unless he had taken of his mask to his natural unassisted sight. The Jungle does give Predator one advantage, that does not have to do with sight. Predator is extremely more agile than RoboCop. So moving from tree to tree and through bushes would be difficult for RoboCop, but with a computer assisted aiming system, it wouldn’t matter.

Both RoboCop and Predator have pin-point accuracy, which in Predators sake is assisted by his helmet and laser guidance. You know the 3 red dots. And RoboCop’s accuracy is assisted by his vision being in synchronization with his robotic arm. As stated earlier, Predator will not see RoboCop with his helmet on therefore rendering his laser guidance ineffective. Robocop can see with or with out his helmet and still have his accuracy. The only downfall of RoboCop’s guidance is its somewhat easily knocked off aim. In the film he almost gets taken down but the Detroit Police and has to reset his aim later. So during a brutal fight with a 7 foot alien, his aim could again be taken out. But its still better than not having any.

If Predator won’t be able to lock on to RoboCop’s cold steel outer skeleton would he even use his shoulder mounted plasma canon? That seems to be his only weapon other than his self destruct mode. RoboCop only has a fully automatic gun hidden in his thigh. And what if RoboCop is still in arrest mode? Will he just try to hand-cuff and book Predator? Not if Predator attacks RoboCop. RoboCop will kill out of self defense. He did take out an entire drug ring because they shot first. Predator can bleed and die fairly easily like a human, but its his quickness that keeps him alive.With RoboCop not dying from a barrage of bullets from the his own police force with at least 25 guys firing at him with fully automatic weapons for 5 minutes, getting fired at from a plasma cannon from someone who cant lock onto you shouldn’t be a problem. But Predators a hunter right? Hell out smart RoboCop. Yes there is a chance of that happening, but RoboCop’s vision calculates his environment with computer like speed. Predator cant be too cunning he walked right into an obvious trap set by Dutch at the end of the film and a giant tree stump crushed him. Well wat about the fact that RoboCop has feelings? Could this be his downfall? Predator could, in the usual action movie style, hold a helpless girl hostage. Use her as bait and trap RoboCop using his human emotions against him. This “could” happen, but very unlikely. Predator does not invite inncocent and unarmed people into fights. This is seen when Predator kills, but lets the native girl go because she is unarmed. So in standard action movie fashion, RoboCop couldn’t simply take him out with one shot with his aim. The movie would only last 10 minutes. So what have to happen to make it somewhat even is both weapons would be taken out through the battle, and no one would have guns or pin-point accuracy. The battle would resort to hand to hand combat. In that case Predator would have a serious advantage in the jungle. But we know how fragile he is with how he met his demise in the end with the tree stump. RoboCop had a bunch of steel beams dropped on him and he survived, so he’s obviously more durable. Also RoboCop took the end of a gun and bent it, so his strength is also far superior to Predator’s.

So in conclusion with Predators inability to see RoboCop with his infrared and helmet on rendering his laser guidance useless, and the fact that RoboCops infrared is far superior that his opponent making his invisibility useless, its obvious RoboCop will kill Predator. And along with RoboCop’s far superior strength, hand to hand combat is no contest. Well what if he just blows up in self destruct mode? If Dutch can be right next to him when he arms it, and run away and duck to safety, RoboCop’s bullet proof steel will protect him even better. And good guys always win in movies, duh.

RoboCop wins.

Here’s some trailers to remind you of these movies awesomeness.

Who knew the future of law enforcement was set to the same score as The Terminator?

I like how trailers from the 80’s kinda suck, but this one’s a joke. Talk about about anti-climactic! Where’s Carl Weathers? And that other governor guy? Geez this movie deserves better.

The World Needs Black Dynamite, More Than Ever

ChristPuncher — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:55:31 +0000

When The Man murders his brother, pumps heroin into local orphanages, and floods the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor, Black Dynamite is the one hero willing to fight all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House.

Let’s hope the movie’s as good as the trailer, and hope Sam Jackson doesn’t make a cameo. This drops into the street, hot and ready for action October 16th.

Originality Is A Dead Scene

ChristPuncher — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:50:09 +0000

All ideas are taken, everything cool is already done, or it’s just a rehash of something else you didn’t know about. But hey fuck it, one of the best comedies of all time is a scene for scene remake of the 1957 waste of an hour an half of Turner Classic Movies’ programing time “Zero Hour!” If you already knew this then, hey good for you, go fuck your self. So any who Jim Abrahms, and brothers Jerry and David Zucker, pulled a fast one on most of America with the comedy classic Airplane! But first a little history. They used to be in a local comedy theater group called Kentucky Fried Theater and it was pretty successful from what I hear, and they made a movie full of parodies and commercial spoofs called “Kentucky Fried Movie” If you haven’t seen it, fucking find it and watch it. Okay here’s the trailer

The “ZAZ” group came to the idea of spoofing airplane films when they accidentally taped the 1957 film Zero Hour!, while they were looking for more commercials to spoof. The original script contained spoofs of television commercials, however, people who proofread the script for them advised them to shorten the commercials, and, eventually, they removed them. blah blah blah who gives a shit. Zero Hour! is a such a piece of shit though, it’s just as funny as Airplane! without trying to be. What’s crazy about it is, they barely had to add jokes to the script to make scenes funnier. It’s pretty much like mystery science theater, but every thing they would be saying about the movie is being shown on screen.

They knew what they were doing too, the group bought the rights to Zero Hour! to avoid plagiarism issues. I’m not sure if it makes Airplane! any less funny, but it kinda make sme what Casablanca would be like if it had Leslie Nielson, a pie in the face gag and a couple of fart jokes in it. Too bad years have passed and that same group of comedies that brought us Airplane!, and The Naked Gun series, have succomed to making giant pieces of shit like Scary Movie 3, 4, 4, Superhero Movie, and soon to be defected upon us, Sci-Fi Movie. They even have the balls to revisited there old jokes in their newer films.

There’s Too Much Directing In Here

ChristPuncher — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 18:39:42 +0000

In a world filled with an over saturation of media, the exaggerated parody of the original is always funnier. How does one of the greatest filmmakers of all time end up like this? I don’t know, and I don’t care, because this is really really funny.

Now that you’ve seen the original, take a look at what some of the comedians down at the UCB theater put together. In a world filled with an over saturation of media, the exaggerated parody of the original is always funnier. Who’s got time for the real thing anyway?